I'm at Woodbrooke Quaker Study Centre doing a three day course on Spiritual Friendships - there are 10 of us all together which is a nice sized group as it means there's actually time to get to know everyone in matters both temporal and eternal.

One of the things that has really hit me so far is how much I have come to take for granted the experience of meeting people in that sacred space within their everyday protective boundaries and how scary a prospect it is for some people to make such friendships. Someone expressed a fear of having made such a deep connection how do you get over the loss of it when it ends and how do you find the courage to start again with someone/s new?

I remember crying throughout the Meeting for Worship at the end of my first Questabout weekend wondering how on earth it was that I felt closer to those friends I'd made in a weekend than those I'd been at school with for 10 years. I thought of the time I came home from my first Holiday School aged 16, over tired, distraught at leaving everyone behind and being in a foul mood because I felt my parents just didn't understand the heartwrenching sense of loss when the event came to an end. I remember being asked why on earth I wanted to go to more of these things if they left me feeling like this, I'm not entirely sure I'd make a much better job of explaining it now than I could then but I like to think I'd slam fewer doors in the process! I thought back to the many Summer School kids who've told me they live for that one week in the year and the other 51 are just there to be endured.

I also remembered a conversation with Thomas at the end of WGYF, he'd just come back up to the office after watching many a tearful farewell being made down at the buses. We discussed how for us having been reunited with far flung F/friends at WGYF itself we could more easily accept that no matter far apart we may live in everyday life our paths could and would cross again and that that time would pass far quicker than expected, so whilst our farewells were no less heartfelt there wasn't the devastating grief accompanying it. Mind you I suspect the overwhelming sense of relief that we'd got through it all and it was almost time to go home overrode any sense of loss!

So what happened somewhere along the 20 years between that High Flatts Questabout and WGYF, at what point did that understanding creep in? I have to recognise also that many a tearful last night of an event has been as much about not wanting to return to everyday life as not wanting to leave where I was. How many times has the conversation been had on the way home from an event where someone has said 'ah well, back to normality' and it has been pondered as to which is 'normality' that which we've left or that to which we return? And if it's not that which we've left why isn't it and how can we make the rest of life more like it?

I'm not sure that I have the answers to the fears for whom making these kinds of friendships is something new and scary but what I can tell them is that those in their Meetings most likely to understand any such feelings of loss are those who've been on young peoples and Young Friends events. I'm appreciating more and more what an incredible gift those events are as they make such friendships an integral (even normal?) part of life.

shiny new visa =)

Yay, I'm the very proud and happy possessor of a shiny new visa in my passport. I'd been more than a little apprehensive about whether I was going to be able to return to Aotearoa NZ in November or not given my course doesn't start until January but when I asked the guy at Immigration how soon I could go back his answer was 'Tomorrow if you like!' Well having only just got back to the UK I reckon I'll stay here the planned 5 weeks but it is a huge relief to know for sure - having had conflicting advice given on it before I wasn't 100% convinced it would all work out.

On the train up to Birmingham from London I realised just how much I felt like I'd been holding my breath waiting, how much else had taken a back seat emotionally and mentally - I 've felt like I just haven't had the head space to deal with anything much else for a while now. So I arrived at Woodbrooke feeling decidedly unprepared for the Spiritual Friendships course I'm on and yet that seems to be turning into a blessing as I've arrived with no preconceptions of what we'd be doing and a 'clean sheet' to work on. I came a different train route than I've done in the past so the countryside was unfamiliar territory, but yet familiar. The course so far feels a bit like that too - so much so far is similar to things I've done before yet from a slightly different persepective, a different view of the spiritual landscape and ways of exploring it.

The train came in to Birmingham through Solihull - the place my great great grandparents and family emigrated to Aotearoa New Zealand from in 1879 - it felt somewhat appropriate to be going through there the day I got my visa! So I said a quiet kia ora to the place of my tupuna (ancestors) and reminded myself that no matter how long and tedious my 33hr journey from Sarah's to Sam's had been it knocked the socks off however many weeks the Hereford had taken to get them from Tilsbury to Lyttleton.

huh?

As we were coming into Auckland Airport I commented on having noticed some time ago their logo bearing a remarkable similarity to the Royal Bank of Scotland one. It has always struck me as being a bit surreal - the whole where am I? thing, especially when arriving from the UK.

So you can imagine why I laughed and pulled out my camera when I arrived at Hong Kong Airport to RBS insignia being plastered all over the airbridges and being greeted by a sign saying 'The Royal Bank of Scotland welcomes you to Hong Kong airport'!

Next stop Heathrow... more than a little closer to Scotland and yet what insignia and adverts adorned their airbridges and walkways? HSBC, ie Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation.

Go figure that one out!

getting there...

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go... well as ready as I'll ever be! For the first night since Ryan got here (Friday) someone other than me is on bedtime story duty so I've been busy putting pictures onto a flashstick to bring with me having managed to pack whilst William & Elizabeth took him (and Cammi!) for a walk on the beach.

Am I really ready to go? I don't know - I suspect getting on a plane will be just has hard this time as before although at least I don't have to wait as long to come back. I've packed plenty tissues in my hand luggage anyway just in case!

Unlike the previous two occasions when I've left this country I'm going much further than Oz and I'm leaving in the middle of the night not the morning so I've no idea how much that will help alleviate the jet-lag, but I've got tablets packed for that too... Somehow I need to stay awake in Meeting on Sunday at Friends House London - the presence of sharp elbowed Friends has been requested!

At least when I get there I'm staying with Sam - as Simon said on the phone going straight to another Tailby should lessen the shock to the system. But before I can leave the country I've uni fees to pay and other paperwork to sort out not to mention several other Tailbys to catch up with and a fleece to retrieve in Auckland!

to pack and not to pack

Aaaarrrrgghhh, where has the time gone???? I've got 2 1/2 days left to sort my stuff out and pack before we head down to Auckland...

Well I've got as much paperwork done as I can and Ryan has gone off to a birthday party with a tub of fudge still cooling and a plate full of pancakes (dropscones/pikelets) so I've the afternoon free to catch up on some headspace, odd jobs around the house and start sorting out clothes into piles of what to wash, take and what to shove back in the drawers... It's great having Ryan to stay but my world starts revolving around Lego, pirates and the 'Grandpa's Slippers/Cardigan/Shorts/Shed' books (in the right order of course!) which is not conducive to packing!

My cunning plan of take a little and bring back a lot is all very well but I seem to be taking over a fair amount not destined to return so it's hard to get my head around what is and what isn't - more piles methinks. Just as well Mim isn't here, her bedroom is going to come in mighty handy =)

It's hard to believe it's two years since I was packing up in Edinburgh - life has changed so much in so many ways since then and in some cases several times! There is absolutely no way in the world that I could have predicted then what I'd be doing in life now (other than perhaps the packing to fly back over to the UK bit!) and similarly I have no real concept as to where I might be in life another two years down the road. I'm presuming I'll be working in an Early Childhood Centre of some description somewhere as I'll need to do at least two years teaching before I can get full registration but that's as far as it goes - altho' I guess that's further than usual!

The last two years have been an amazing adventure full of incredible people and beautiful scenery. My love for this place has deepened beyond measure and I have found friends and whānau in abundance. I feel very blessed to have had this time here and to know I can return - I'm still not entirely sure exactly when until I've got my visa sorted in London but return I can.

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone back in the UK altho' it will be strange to be there as a visitor. Travelling around will no doubt be very much a flashback to my first trip here making my way around f/Friends and family. In two years a lot will have changed - I've missed births, deaths and marriages, no doubt plenty physical changes to places I knew well and I'll be visiting friends in new homes I've never seen before. I wonder how just disconnected I'll feel.

Anyways plenty time to ponder that on the plane journey. For now I'd better go and start sorting my stuff out before my 4 year old friend returns!