uncertainty

Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. 

Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. 

Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. 

Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. 

Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.

-- Mark Batterson

This was on a friend's facebook status update today and it spoke to me. No surprises there I guess given my own occupational uncertainty and my belief that the universe has a plan even though I don't, which I suppose is another way of saying 'destiny'. The only thing with thinking of something as destiny is that I find it hard to take it seriously as it always brings to mind the line from Back to the Future where Marty McFly's father-to-be fluffs the line he's been given and tells Marty's mother-to-be 'You are my density' instead.... ah well.

We're about to start week two of term tomorrow (today having been Labour Day and thus a public holiday). As far as I know the interviews for the new full time post at work will take place this week and then once the decision has been made about who will get it (assuming someone will!) we'll start to have a bit more certainty about how the rest of term will shape up in terms of staffing. So I'll know if I need to work the last three weeks of term or not, and if I do whether it will be for 21hrs or 11hrs a week. Whilst I know that financially three weeks at 21hrs is the better option than 11hrs, or none aside from any relieving that comes along, it has to be said the idea of an extra three weeks free this side of Christmas has a certain appeal! I think mentally I've already filled up those weeks several times over with things I'd like to get done.

I've discovered that there is something quite freeing about uncertainty - it certainly gives me the perfect excuse to say to our new MM Nominations Committee that until I know what I'm doing next year I can't really take any roles on as I don't know what else I'll be doing, nor where that might be. I'm not expecting to move, and am rather hoping not to, but in order to be truly open to where the winds of the spirit might blow me I have to be free to be blown!

 

meanderings

Well having given Deb & Jim the link to this lately I guess I should write something eh?

Term started again today, with avengence. I'm not entirely sure why today was so knackering other than perhaps the fact that none of the teachers had slept well last night having each woken with a start several times panicking that we'd slept in.... and tomorrow if they all turn up we'll have 35 children, god help us. Here's hoping that the in-undies (and somehow every other item of clothing he was wearing) explosion I cleaned up today isn't repeated, or at least if it is that it happens to them at home and they therefore don't come in! It is at times like that when the upcoming redundancy seems like the promised land.

I think a lot of it has to do with shifting gears though. Especially after managing to have a fairly relaxing term break despite travelling from one end of the island to the other and back. Making sure it was a relaxed pace did mean I was only able to spend a couple of nights at JYF Camp at Huia, on the Waitakere coast rather than stay with them all week but I'm so glad I went.

The drive down on the Sunday with John and the boys provided the biggest catch-up I've had with them since I moved and as ever the conversation was stimulating and varied and made me appreciate how rarely I end up in such in depth political discussions these days. It came in handy actually as yesterday I ended up answering one of those telephone opinion poll surveys where the Government's planned policy for plain packaging for cigarettes was a big part. I hadn't changed my view on it after my grilling from Francis but I certainly had my answers ready a lot quicker! (personally I think the cigarette companies will get around it by making the cigarettes themselves look more different from each other even if the packets don't, plus cigarette cases are bound to make a comeback as the latest must-have fashion accessory - and of course the tobacco companies will lead the way on that front I'm sure, no doubt complete with matching phone covers. Not that I'm cycnical or anything...). Stimulating conversation was obviously to be the order of the day as a meal at the Stover-Watts household with eight of us round the table was hardly likely to be anything but! Good to reconnect again with another part of my Kiwi whānau I haven't seen as much this year as I usually would expect to.

Whānau proved to be an enduring link through the whole trip away. The theme of JYF Camp was 'My Quaker Family' - I was leading a session about the World Conference of Friends in Kenya which was well and truly the 'family reunion' on the level that Nancy Irving (FWCC General Secretary) meant in terms of bringing together the many branches of the Quaker family tree but also my own personal international Quaker family was pretty well represented on most fronts. The inter-connectedness of different people's 'Quaker families' was the aspect I emphasised given I was talking to the internet/cellphone generation where 'friending' their F/friends school mates via facebook seems perfectly normal even though they've only 'met' them through dialogue on the mutual friends page! For me even the microcosm of JYF Camp (all 17 of us!) proved the interconnectedness of all things Quaker as I am on committees with 3 of the other adults present, had been at the Triennial with a slightly different 3 and of course with Liam and Brendan there we're back around to my Kaitaia whānau (even if Liam has moved!) both of whom I've p(r)oxy parented at Summer Gatherings in the past.

Wellington was the same really, catching up with friends and Friends who feel very much like family, we may only see each other once a year or so but such is nature of the friendships (admittedly helped to an extent via facebook and flickr) that it seldom feels like it has been that long, well not until they come along with a small child in tow who wasn't even a twinkle in the eye last time we caught up! It was of course lovely to meet Bill and Elphine in person rather than just via internet photos - quite odd though to think that Bill will grow up knowing me from here where he was born rather than the UK where I first knew his parents, aunt, uncles, grandparents.... Ok sure Greg & Nicole's boys and Katy's children only know me from here too but somehow that is different given that they were all born well before I got here.

One of the best bits about my travels though was the co-incidence/serendipity/intervention of fate that meant I saw so many of the people in this country who I was closest to at the 2004 Triennial, which was perfect timing really as I approach the summer wondering just what life has in store for me next. Not only a reminder to trust that the universe has a plan even if I don't, but that they've seen me through this once before and are there to do so again. Chris did make me promise though that if I do end up emigrating again that I have to go and visit him before I leave! Fingers crossed emigration isn't on the cards this time, I've been enjoying my recent years free of dealing with Immigration Dept and I'm so close to citizenship now I really don't want to start counting for that all over again...

being prepared

A few nights ago I had a dream, or perhaps a mental wandering in that hynagogic state that is neither asleep nor awake, given that I seldom remember my dreams and this one I can recall quite clearly. In it I was sitting chatting to someone at our dining table when the room was plunged into darkness due to a power-cut amidst a cyclone. Finding a match and candle was easy enough from there and then I went in search of my lantern in the Civil Defence Emergency kit which is stashed under my bed (mine isn't quite as comprehensive as the official list). This was the point where I realised that not keeping the batteries in the lantern was not a particularly cunning plan given the lantern was new and I was fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out how to put the batteries in....

I don't remember much that happened after that other than eventually I did succeed. Woke up with a mental note to self - check how the batteries fit in to the lantern!

Well I didn't write it on my 'to do list' did I, so it didn't happen. And then, last night when I was busy working away on my session for JYF Camp on the World Conference of Friends out went the lights! Gah... well at least I didn't need to bother with matches and a candle as my glowball lamp was by my bed so having found that no bother it gave me enough light to pull out the right storage bag and get the lantern and the plastic tub of batteries out. Finding which batteries was easy - I'd written in black marker pen on the back of the packs which were for the lantern and which for the kitchen radio and how many of each were needed (well I am my father's daughter after all!). What I hadn't figured on was how blummin' difficult the batteries would be to get out of the packet! So one very badly split nail later (half way down my thumbnail kind of bad) I managed to get them out. Unscrewing the lantern was easy enough, finding out which way up the batteries went in was easy enough. Getting the battery holder back in the lantern however was a challenge. Luckily my brighter wind-up torch was on my bedside table (glowball and torch I can find in the dark from my bed anytime in pitch darkness - handy when I sometimes need to take medication on waking in the middle of the night, hence having acquired the skill). Eventually I figured out that the batteries weren't quite in right and hey presto, one lantern.

Several thoughts went through my mind; I was glad it was just a power cut and not a major emergency given how long it took to get the lantern going (the weather was pretty wild and worse further south and probably the cause of the it); I knew I should've done something about the lantern after that dream; if you're going to have a power cut then just before bedtime isn't a bad time really - although as I hadn't yet brushed my teeth I sent up thanks that we're on town supply water and so didn't need an electric pump to make the water flow out of the tap (Not an insurmountable issue had we not had flowing water after all, as there is a large stash of water bottles under my bed too, but even so...); it made me appreciate having the CDE Kit and knowing exactly where to find everything in the dark/dim light.

On Wednesday it was the Big Shake Out so we had the children practicing several times at kindergarten on Tuesday to get ready for it. They were excellent and had the added bonus of getting to laugh at the adults trying to squeeze as much of themselves as possible underneath tables only 18" high and still leave enough space for the children to hide! Going 'turtle' with your head under a chair or table ended up being the next best thing. We are highly unlikely to get an earthquake up here - tsunami or cyclones are our main risks in the Far North - but just because we live somewhere safe doesn't mean we don't need to know what to do, we could easily be visiting somewhere less stable (ie pretty much anywhere else in this country!) when a big one hits. I, for instance, am off to visit Wellington next week - bang on a major fault line and well overdue a big shake.

I haven't yet returned the lantern to where it belongs, it is still on my bedside table. I'm dithering about whether to leave the batteries in or not. I guess now I know what to do (and they are out of their packet!) putting them back in the tub isn't such a bad idea. I've dealt with too many old leaky batteries over the years from unused items stuck in the back of cupboards etc to be all that keen on leaving them in - but then again...

Meanwhile whilst I figure out what to do with the lantern I guess I need to get back to being prepared for my talk on Tuesday! Thanks to one of the JYFs providing the techie knowledge (cheers Jonty!) I now have downloaded YouTube clips of the conference in case there is no internet signal at Huia (highly likely) and I've almost got the rest of it together so I'm feeling reasonably prepared - but not yet at the point where I could manage without notes which is I guess the equivalent of being in the dark! However 'tis bedtime again (thankfully still with power tonight!) and if I don't get to sleep soon I won't be prepared for doing anything tomorrow...

playing god...

As those of you who are friends with me on facebook will know I've been spending a lot of time in the garden over the last month or so. Basically since we've had dry weather on my days at home and when it hasn't been too soggy underfoot (which given how much rain we've had this winter has been limiting at times - nextdoor's lawn has been masquerading as a paddling pool on a regular basis).

What I think of as 'last year', ie my first year here, I did some gardening on and off, but it really takes a year to get to know a garden and what is where. But I'd gradually been working away at various bits clearing the vegetable garden of the encroaching flowers (alstromeria and agapanthas), trying to keep the bark paths weed free and waging war on the creeping buttercup and convolulous that seem determind to strangle everything else in the garden.

Once the worst of winter was past though I set out to be more proactive, especially getting the vegetable garden more productive. What I soon realised was that I was reaping the benefits of my labours over the previous year as jobs that had taken all day to do before were now taking an hour or so. This has meant that on top of finishing off a couple of jobs I'd started ages ago to edge some flower beds to keep the soil (and weeds!) from taking over the path, the back garden is actually starting to look pretty respectable. It looks even better now Dan has restored the garden furniture to pristine condition from their decidedly tatty state.

A crack has appeared in the chimney stack which is going to get filled soon so we decided to shift the pot plants from around the base at the side of the drive to give better access. Of course once they were shifted it made sense to get in there and give that area a really good (and rather overdue) clear out of weeds, a build up of roots, soil and a collection of pebbles and shells mostly at least half buried. As often happens, one thing led to another and having got that bit tidy it showed how bad the rest of the strip down the side of the house was, so today I tackled another section of it. The job is by no means completed but it will have to wait until after I've been away next week to be finished off, meanwhile it does look a bit better!

I've reflected many times whilst gardening that it feels like 'playing god'; deciding what shall live and what shall die/be relocated/composted and turned into something far more useful (to me); destroying the homes of insects and lobbing the snails on to the drive or lawn for the thrushes to find; pruning things back (WGYF planners, pruning always makes me think of you!) and generally reshaping the world. I'm not sure quite what image of 'god' I have when I think of it as playing god - perhaps more of a Discworld one (Thunder rolls... a six) than anything more theologically profound, it does all seem rather Old Testament which is an image of god I'm not especially sure about.

Yet whilst I can't go along with creationist theories I can quite happily accept there being 'something' out there that is behind/underneath/inside of everything. For years as a teenager I fell back on the Star Wars 'Force' as a way to explain the concept of the Inner Light or that of god in everyone/everything to my school/uni friends who were trying to understand what this Quakerism stuff was that I'd got involved with. It still comes in pretty handy occassionally as an explanation I must admit!

Given how much my back is telling me about it I obviously wasn't using 'the force' with any amount of Jedi competence but there was a fair amount of brute force involved with shifting some of the more stubborn roots and creepers today. All I can say is thank goodness I didn't have to do six days of this before I got a rest...

Hillsborough

On our news tonight was a piece about the Liverpool vs Man Utd match, showing the roses, balloons and the words truth and justice being held up by the crowd in memory of the 96 who died at Hillsborough. The recent clearing of the Liverpool supporters for the tragedy and the exposure of the enormous cover-up that occurred being way overdue.

This case has been covered by our media a fair bit, surprising given it is about something that took place over 20 years ago on the other side of the world. But I am grateful for it, It has made me think back to that time and two things have really struck me.

Firstly was the memory of sitting watching the news at my parents in the Easter Holidays, at the time they were living in the Channel Islands. I was in my first year at university in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, living in Castle Leazes halls of residence. One of our crowd, Andy - an ardent Liverpool fan, who lived on the corridoor below me had been really excited at the end of term about going to the semi-finals with his cousin. So there I was, on a wee island with no-one but my family watching the news and having absolutely no way of knowing if Andy and his cousin were amongst those involved. No emails, no facebook, no cell phones... and as most of us then suddenly realised as we were scattered around the country - most of us didn't have anyone's parents addresses or phone numbers. We had to wait until we were all back at uni to find out if Andy was coming back at all.

Thankfully he was there, he and his cousin had been in the upper terrace and had been involved with hauling people to safety. One of the first things we all did when we got back was get out our address books and get home phone numbers and addresses - no-one wanted to go through that anxiety of not knowing again, that horrible feeling of isolation and helplessness. I just love how these days through facebook when some disaster happens I often know within hours, let alone days or weeks if those in that area are ok no matter where in the world they are.

The other aspect that hit me was the realisation that I had forgotten that there had been a cover-up. I can't now remember how I knew the true story, other than obviously hearing what Andy had had to say. Most likely articles in the student newspaper and the Independent or Guardian and other such publications - I didn't watch tv in halls. But being a Social Studies student, and having covered the sociology of the media for A level, I had a healthy disrespect for mainstream media, especially the tabloids. Also I had a healthy disrespect for the police authorities - watching on dvd the series Our Friends in the North in the last year reminded me why that was! It is easy to forget now the way they behaved through the '80s, it wasn't pleasant. So I had believed the Liverpool fans, the doctors who had happened to be there and the journalists who didn't cow-tow to the official line, and was duly sceptical of the Taylor report findings. After all it wasn't that long after the Bradford City fire and that botch up, and less than 6 months since I'd seen for myself how the police story differed from what my own eyes saw at the so called 'Battle of Westminster Bridge' when the mounted police charged student demonstrators and one of my friends got kicked on the shin by a horse.

It is only reading up on it again that that is starting to come back. Luckily for me I had the luxury of forgetting it, it wasn't me or my family who had been blamed. Life moved on. I do remember getting a start though, when being driven through Christchurch not long after I'd moved here and seeing a suburb called Hillsborough. My driver was a fellow Brit though and he understood the instant connection my mind had made. It was more than the usual mixture of feelings about seeing place names from the UK being used here, although no doubt when the suburb was named it was long before the stadium had even been dreamed of! But where I could, and still do, laugh about Morningside, Costorphine, Portobello, Rotherham, Sheffield, Oxford and Cambridge (to name but a few) somehow Hillsborough didn't feel quite the same. It was almost like naming somewhere Cullodden or Glencoe and invoking the ghosts along with the name. It definitely brought with it a sense of unease. So whilst the details had gotten hazy with time, the underlying sense of injustice and horror was obviously still lurking around in my subconscience.

These days I'm only in touch with a very small number of my friends from Havelock Hall, Castle Leazes - and most of them indirectly. But over the last few days the old crowd have been very much in my mind. Somewhere I think I still have that address book, I wonder where everyone is now? Scattered to the four winds far more than we were that Easter, that is for sure.