Back
in May 2012 I'd been wishing that there was something more I could do
for Natalie as she braved the cancer that was taking over her life.
Sending cards and chocolate just didn't seem to be enough. With
Natalie and I both being quilters a quilt seemed like an obvious
choice. Natalie was one of those people who naturally brought people
together and created communities of love around her, so a community
quilt felt like the obvious thing to do.
I
contacted Natalie's friend Charlotte through facebook as I knew she had been the
inspiration for Natalie's quilting and asked if she'd help me
organise one. I had no idea really where to start but Charlotte got
drafting some lovely words and instructions to be sent out and I
started contacting some of our fellow classmates asking if they'd be
interested in contributing. But just after I'd got her first draft we
learned of the quilt their local church had made for Natalie and it took the
wind out of our sails a bit – was doing another quilt really the
right thing to do now?
Then
of course events over took us as the cancer overtook Natalie and
grief took precedence as we all tried to get to grips with losing
what felt like the glue that had held our mostly online community
together. Ange being able to get to the funeral was really important
to us and whilst I wish she were nearer I'm so grateful that life had
taken her and her family to live in Australia too. But as the weeks went on I got
asked by fellow classmates 'What's happening about the quilt?
Are we still going to do it?' The fact that they had asked proved to
me that we still needed to, as much for ourselves as for anyone else.
After
some discussion the quilt
went forward as a 'Class of 2008' project rather than a wider
community quilt. One of our lecturers, Helen Hedges who had become a good friend of Natalie's, arranged for a slightly re-worded
version of Charlotte's letter to be sent out via the University
Alumni office and she made contact with Natalie's practicum
placements for me.
Natalie's
memorial came and went, I'm so glad I was able to be part of that –
for myself and again representing our class. I really wanted to say
something alongside the other tributes but all I could find were
tears rather than words and folk had enough of those of their own!
The
squares started coming in late January 2013, originally the hope had
been to have a weekend in Wellington pulling it all together around
Waitangi Day, but for various reasons that wasn't practical, which is
just as well as the squares were still drifting in well after then!
Eventually,
after chasing down a couple I knew 'were coming honest', I had 12
squares – these were photographed and laid out as a grid in a
document and emailed to what had become the main decision/support
group. I needed help –
how should they be arranged? Did we need additional squares to make
the quilt bigger? What colour/s should be used between the squares
etc etc etc... several emails later the decisions were made – more
squares as the quilt needed to be big enough for the boys and
Richard to be able to snuggle under together, not just
one of them on their own, and the hatching between the squares would
represent the colours of Papatuanuku and Ranginui – going from
brown, through green to blue.
The
colour scheme helped decide the layout of the contributed squares
which fell naturally into the three bands. I don't know how Karyn
came up with the rainbows but they were just perfect after the
'Somewhere over the rainbow' song that had been played at the
memorial. I really wanted to use some of the material that I had been
given by Nora, Natalie's nana, when Natalie and I visited her the last time I saw her,
just before Christmas 2011, when both of us left with an enormous stash to
work our way through. I'd already identified some for the backing and
was trying to figure out which to use to fill in some extra squares
to fill out the quilt to a larger size when I came across a bag of
hearts pinned on to calico squares.
These
hearts had been cut out in 2010, Natalie had sent me a link to a blog
post by a woman in Canterbury who felt called to make 'healing heart
quilts' for the families of the 29 Pike River Miners who lost their
lives. Both of us made a bundle and sent them off. I'd not known how
many to make so had decided well I'll cut out 29 and see how far I
get! I posted off 15 and then heard that more than enough hearts had
been received and any surplus were going to be made into quilts for
those affected by the Christchurch earthquakes in September that
year. So as other projects were waiting, the other hearts ended up
stuck in a bag and put to one side.... until now. It seemed really
appropriate to use them given that making them had been Natalie's
idea in the first place. The calico squares were smaller than the
other squares so bordering them, mostly with Nora's stash, solved
that problem.
I
had hoped to get it all together and done by the first anniversary of
Natalie's death, but as with making the squares, it all took a lot
longer than anticipated. Partly because it was a really emotional
process. It was almost like I didn't want to finish it at times, as
that would be letting go, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that
yet. Several people commented on how much harder it had been than
they had expected to make the squares, not challenging in terms of
skills, but choosing what to do, and then actually doing it. It
really was part of our grieving process. Several
others didn't feel their sewing skills were up to the task but remembered
Natalie with much affection and admiration, the squares completed may
be fairly small in number but they represent a much greater memory of
Natalie and gratitude for us having her in our lives.
Apart
from the grieving process having the responsibility for other
peoples' work felt like a huge responsibility! I was worrying about
not being able to make it perfect, and had been putting things off
for weeks as a result. Then one day when I was thinking about it I
heard Natalie's voice in my head saying 'Cs make degrees, it'll have
to do, it's good enough!' Her usual refrain come each assignment
deadline! I realised that yes, it just has to be 'good enough' or it
will never get handed in at all, let alone 'on time'! That helped, it
didn't speed things up that much but it did get them going again.
Well
my second 'deadline' of Natalie and Matthew's July birthday also came and
went, and I knew it was time to ask for help again – Ange came to
the rescue by offering to do the dedication square for the back;
knowing what to put, let alone feeling able to do it had been beyond
me. I'm so glad Ange stepped in, her embroidery skills are far superior to mine. I'm just annoyed that what looked like straight
when it was sewn on now looks crooked, but as it is quilted through
as well taking it off and rearranging it just wasn't really an
option. Hey ho, Cs make degrees....
Anyway,
about a week after the anniversary of Natalie's memorial in September the quilt was finished at last, all I needed was to figure out how to deliver
it...various plans to get it through to Natalie's mum in Kerikeri were formed and fell through. I kept hanging on to the thought though that the right opportunity would turn up, and it did - a text came from Richard saying they were over here and a friend was heading in the right direction for a work meeting and was able to drop me off and pick me up a few hours later. Just like that it all fell into place.
The universe works to its own timescale, that can be hard to handle at times, but that is life.
The universe works to its own timescale, that can be hard to handle at times, but that is life.
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