a decade on...

This week has been full of '10yrs ago I was...' moments and musings as 10 years ago on Monday I arrived in Aotearoa New Zealand for the first time, getting picked up at the airport by Margaret & Robert and taken to their home. I was here for the 2004 FWCC Triennial and some travelling around visiting f/Friends and family - a 'once in a lifetime' trip which changed my life completely.

So what better way to spend Monday then than by staying with Margaret & Robert, waking up in the same (but looking radically different!) house on my way home from Summer Gathering, and later getting dropped off by Margaret and their children (both born since my initial visit) back at the airport - only this time the Domestic terminal to head home to Kaitaia.

At Summer Gathering had been some of the people who had been part of that life changing process, both at the Triennial and during my travels around the country afterwards. As I face another uncertain year it was wonderful to have their presence as a reminder of how the Spirit really can move in mysterious ways and that everything will all fall into place, if only you have the faith to let it.

As if that wasn't enough yesterday I received an email from the mother of one of my dearest Triennial (and WGYF) f/Friends, who I had also met at the Triennial too and again in Kenya in 2012 asking me this "I need a quote for my art show from you, someone from the other side of the world.. fast... "If today were your last day on earth, what would you want to say as wisdom to your loved ones?"..." At first I hesitated, thinking oh I'll come back to this once I've finished my emails and given it some thought... but then I realised that whilst I might be able to tidy up the English with more time, I knew the basic essence of what I wanted to say already, so as Cat used to say (and no doubt still does...) 'think it, do it', and I hit reply with this "Well the immediate thought that sprang into my head was the Oscar Wilde quote ' Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.' The importance of being true to myself has become increasingly important to me over the years, and every time life has become a struggle it has been because I've strayed from that path to be someone other people want/expect me to be - or worse that I think they want/expect me to be without actually stopping to check!". Then just to make sure I really was listening to my own advice I had a conversation with my brother via skype this morning along very similar lines, seems like he's finally figuring that one out too.

Occasionally I'm asked questions like 'where do you envisage yourself to be in 10 years time?' and I look blankly in reply having no idea, after all there is no way in the world I could have predicted where I am now in life as I sat on the island hill top in the Bay of Islands 10 years ago today wondering what my future would hold. Hopefully I'll be happy, with a bit of luck healthy, but most importantly I hope I'll be 'me'.

2013 in books

Well I didn't quite manage 52 books in 2013, mainly due to spending the last 3 months of the year working my way through the entire back catalogue of Time Team before returning them - I managed 15/20 series! Good accompaniment for the large amount of hand sewing and cutting out I was doing in the run up to Christmas and the Summer Gathering craft stall which was raising funds for FWCC World Office and the Philippines appeal. That rush of activity also partially explains the lack of blogging towards the end of the year....

I've grown to love audio books, especially when travelling (I can't read in road vehicles, I get travel sick) and when my eyes are simply too tired.

I've been making a concerted effort to continue to work my way through the 2003 BBC 100 Big Reads list as well as tackle some new authors and a variety of genre. Sci-fi/fantasy have started to dominate the list again though I have to confess.

I have a long list of titles ready and waiting for me in 2014, hopefully I'll get through at least 52 this year!

* means still to finish
italics means a re-read

January - March 2013
i. Medicinal Cookery - Dale Pinnock (started in 2012)
ii. The Spirit Level - Richard G. Wilkinson & Kate Pickett (started in 2012)
1. Crystal Soldier - Sharon Lee & Steve Miller
2. Battle of Rondo - Emily Rodda
3. Crystal Dragon - Sharon Lee & Steve Miller
4. This Charming Man - Marian Keyes (totally swayed by 'The Smiths' song title!)
5. The English Patient - Michael Ondaatje
6. Committed - Elizabeth Gilbert
7. Brisingr - Christopher Paolini
8. Inheritance - Christopher Paolini
9. Jennie - Paul Gallico

April - June 2013
10. The Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
11. A Quaker Astronomer Reflects - Jocelyn Bell Burnell (Backhouse Lecture 2013)
12. Sky Dragons - Anne & Todd McCaffrey
13. One Week in December - Holly Chamberlin
14. The Wise Woman's Tale - Phillipa Bowers
15. The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society - Mary Ann Schaffer
16. The Long Earth - Terry Pratchett & Steven Baxter
17. Dragon Time - Anne & Todd McCaffrey

July - September 2013
18. The Outcasts - John Flanagan
19. Mr Chen's Emporium - Deborah O'Brien
20. Things I Overheard When Talking To Myself - Alan Alda
21. The Invaders - John Flanagan
22. * Being Salt and Light - book of the 6th World Conference of Friends
23. Trader Tales: Quarter Share - Nathan Lowell (audio book)
24. The Hunters - John Flanagan
25. Trader Tales: Half Share - Nathan Lowell (audio book)
26. Trader Tales: Full Share - Nathan Lowell (audio book)
27. Trader Tales: Double Share - Nathan Lowell (audio book)
28. Trader Tales: Captain's Share - Nathan Lowell (audio book)
29. Trader Tales: Owner's Share - Nathan Lowell (audio book)
30. * To be Broken and Tender - Margery Post Abbott
31. The Bone Tiki - David Hair
32. Asterix in Spain - Goscinny & Uderzo
33. Asterix in Britain - Goscinny & Uderzo
34. The Witches - Roald Dahl
35. Esio Trott - Roald Dahl
36. The Twits - Roald Dahl
37. The Giraffe & the Pelly & Me - Roald Dahl
38. The Story of Tracy Beaker - Jacqueline Wilson
39. Matilda - Roald Dahl

October - December 2013
40. The Wit and Wisdom of Mothers - Ulysses Brave
41. Holes - Louis Sachar
42. One More River - Lynne Reid Banks
43. * Middlemarch - George Elliot
44. Nation - Terry Pratchett
45. The Taniwha's Tear - David Hair
46. The Lost Tohunga - David Hair
47. The Unbearable Lightness of Scones - Alexander McCall-Smith
48. A Trail of Fire - Diana Gabaldon
49. The Black Gryphon - Mercedes Lackey & Larry Dixon (audio book)
50. * The White Gryphon - Mercedes Lackey & Larry Dixon (audio book)

strengthening our constitution

On Saturday Friends in the Far North hosted a workshop in Kerikeri looking at the 1840 Te Tiriti o Waitangi and Treaty of Waitangi (there being two versions, one in each language - and they don't match), our country's unwritten constitution and He Whakaputanga, the 1835 Declaration of Independence.

There were twelve of us participating - half Quakers, half interested locals attracted by an short plug in the local newspaper. So with David James of the Rowan Partnership being our Quaker facilitator we just outnumbered the visitors! Some Friends had expressed trepidation about advertising locally, worried that those who just wanted to rant would come along, but those fears were unfounded. Our visitors included Tangata Whenua (local Māori), New Zealanders of European descent and, like many of the Quakers present, someone who had emigrated to this country.

Much of the benefit of the day was gaining a better understanding of why the constitutional system we have doesn't work, but aside from that the things that really touched my heart rather than my head were comments made by two of our visitors.

One, who had said in the introductions that he'd 'come to be a Quaker for the day' shared at lunchtime how he had been to a Quaker Meeting once before down in Palmerston North out of curiosity as he'd been staying along the road from the Meeting House. Like many people on their first encounter with silent/waiting worship he sat there for a while wondering 'when it was going to start', and it was only when Friends shared afterwards their 'almost ministry' or thoughts during Meeting that he realised that they'd 'all been connecting with their wairua together, and that was really neat' (wairua being spirit). He put it so simply, yet really encapsulated what it is we do in Meeting for Worship - I've heard it said by several people in the past, the Māori language has a way for describing the spiritual, and Quakerly concepts, that leaves English looking clumsy. As a Yearly Meeting this really is something we should make better use of!

Another of the visitors was a local kaumatua, a Māori elder, he described the values he sees as enshrined in He Whakaputanga.

Tapu - respecting that which is sacred in the places and people involved; in doing so you acknowledge and uphold their mana, their self-worth and status (a poor translation, but English doesn't really have an equivalent concept). Tika, doing things right shows pono, integrity or faith in what is being said and done; sharing aroha, love, between all of us as we work towards hohourongo which (again poorly) translates as reconciliation between us, or forgiveness.

It was a priviledge to have him with us, and even more so to hear him at the end of the day checking he had contact details for the local Quakers sorted as 'our people need to meet with you people more often like this and see how it is done'. I felt that we really had been able to meet together in the spirit of He Whakaputanga, and had at least done something to help uphold our YMs commitment to honouring our Te Tiriti obligations and the constitutional review process.

As goodbyes were being said we felt like there had been some connections made that would hopefully lead to our paths crossing again, but even if not our wairua had become entwined and would travel on within each other regardless.

Remembering Natalie

Last week I got to meet up with Richard, Matthew and Caleb for a few hours and hand over a community quilt I'd co-ordinated, from our ECE Grad Dip class to them in memory of Natalie. It was so good to get to hang out with them and catch up on each others lives again.

Back in May 2012 I'd been wishing that there was something more I could do for Natalie as she braved the cancer that was taking over her life. Sending cards and chocolate just didn't seem to be enough. With Natalie and I both being quilters a quilt seemed like an obvious choice. Natalie was one of those people who naturally brought people together and created communities of love around her, so a community quilt felt like the obvious thing to do.

I contacted Natalie's friend Charlotte through facebook as I knew she had been the inspiration for Natalie's quilting and asked if she'd help me organise one. I had no idea really where to start but Charlotte got drafting some lovely words and instructions to be sent out and I started contacting some of our fellow classmates asking if they'd be interested in contributing. But just after I'd got her first draft we learned of the quilt their local church had made for Natalie and it took the wind out of our sails a bit – was doing another quilt really the right thing to do now?

Then of course events over took us as the cancer overtook Natalie and grief took precedence as we all tried to get to grips with losing what felt like the glue that had held our mostly online community together. Ange being able to get to the funeral was really important to us and whilst I wish she were nearer I'm so grateful that life had taken her and her family to live in Australia too. But as the weeks went on I got asked by fellow classmates 'What's happening about the quilt? Are we still going to do it?' The fact that they had asked proved to me that we still needed to, as much for ourselves as for anyone else.

After some discussion the quilt went forward as a 'Class of 2008' project rather than a wider community quilt. One of our lecturers, Helen Hedges who had become a good friend of Natalie's, arranged for a slightly re-worded version of Charlotte's letter to be sent out via the University Alumni office and she made contact with Natalie's practicum placements for me.

Natalie's memorial came and went, I'm so glad I was able to be part of that – for myself and again representing our class. I really wanted to say something alongside the other tributes but all I could find were tears rather than words and folk had enough of those of their own!

The squares started coming in late January 2013, originally the hope had been to have a weekend in Wellington pulling it all together around Waitangi Day, but for various reasons that wasn't practical, which is just as well as the squares were still drifting in well after then!

Eventually, after chasing down a couple I knew 'were coming honest', I had 12 squares – these were photographed and laid out as a grid in a document and emailed to what had become the main decision/support group. I needed help – how should they be arranged? Did we need additional squares to make the quilt bigger? What colour/s should be used between the squares etc etc etc... several emails later the decisions were made – more squares as the quilt needed to be big enough for the boys and Richard to be able to snuggle under together, not just one of them on their own, and the hatching between the squares would represent the colours of Papatuanuku and Ranginui – going from brown, through green to blue.

The colour scheme helped decide the layout of the contributed squares which fell naturally into the three bands. I don't know how Karyn came up with the rainbows but they were just perfect after the 'Somewhere over the rainbow' song that had been played at the memorial. I really wanted to use some of the material that I had been given by Nora, Natalie's nana, when Natalie and I visited her the last time I saw her, just before Christmas 2011, when both of us left with an enormous stash to work our way through. I'd already identified some for the backing and was trying to figure out which to use to fill in some extra squares to fill out the quilt to a larger size when I came across a bag of hearts pinned on to calico squares.

These hearts had been cut out in 2010, Natalie had sent me a link to a blog post by a woman in Canterbury who felt called to make 'healing heart quilts' for the families of the 29 Pike River Miners who lost their lives. Both of us made a bundle and sent them off. I'd not known how many to make so had decided well I'll cut out 29 and see how far I get! I posted off 15 and then heard that more than enough hearts had been received and any surplus were going to be made into quilts for those affected by the Christchurch earthquakes in September that year. So as other projects were waiting, the other hearts ended up stuck in a bag and put to one side.... until now. It seemed really appropriate to use them given that making them had been Natalie's idea in the first place. The calico squares were smaller than the other squares so bordering them, mostly with Nora's stash, solved that problem.

I had hoped to get it all together and done by the first anniversary of Natalie's death, but as with making the squares, it all took a lot longer than anticipated. Partly because it was a really emotional process. It was almost like I didn't want to finish it at times, as that would be letting go, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that yet. Several people commented on how much harder it had been than they had expected to make the squares, not challenging in terms of skills, but choosing what to do, and then actually doing it. It really was part of our grieving process. Several others didn't feel their sewing skills were up to the task but remembered Natalie with much affection and admiration, the squares completed may be fairly small in number but they represent a much greater memory of Natalie and gratitude for us having her in our lives.

Apart from the grieving process having the responsibility for other peoples' work felt like a huge responsibility! I was worrying about not being able to make it perfect, and had been putting things off for weeks as a result. Then one day when I was thinking about it I heard Natalie's voice in my head saying 'Cs make degrees, it'll have to do, it's good enough!' Her usual refrain come each assignment deadline! I realised that yes, it just has to be 'good enough' or it will never get handed in at all, let alone 'on time'! That helped, it didn't speed things up that much but it did get them going again.

Well my second 'deadline' of Natalie and Matthew's July birthday also came and went, and I knew it was time to ask for help again – Ange came to the rescue by offering to do the dedication square for the back; knowing what to put, let alone feeling able to do it had been beyond me. I'm so glad Ange stepped in, her embroidery skills are far superior to mine. I'm just annoyed that what looked like straight when it was sewn on now looks crooked, but as it is quilted through as well taking it off and rearranging it just wasn't really an option. Hey ho, Cs make degrees....

Anyway, about a week after the anniversary of Natalie's memorial in September the quilt was finished at last, all I needed was to figure out how to deliver it...various plans to get it through to Natalie's mum in Kerikeri were formed and fell through. I kept hanging on to the thought though that the right opportunity would turn up, and it did - a text came from Richard saying they were over here and a friend was heading in the right direction for a work meeting and was able to drop me off and pick me up a few hours later. Just like that it all fell into place.

The universe works to its own timescale, that can be hard to handle at times, but that is life.

 

“If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, then what am I? And if not now, when?” Rabbi Hillel

One of the great things about being involved with Quakers internationally is that you have F/friends all around the world. One side effect of this though is that every time a major disaster happens there's a mad scramble for address lists and googling of maps desperately hoping that everyone you know is safe... it puts a far more personal face on the suffering and makes the news that bit harder to watch. What with the shootings in Nairobi (I'm fairly sure we went past that mall last year, if not it looked very similar but then I guess one shopping mall does look much like another!), bush fires in Australia, the earthquake and now the super typhoon in the Philippines and major tornadoes in the USA it has been a worrying time of late.

Yet again though the wonders of the internet come to the rescue as it is easy for reassurances to be passed along and news shared. So far on all fronts everyone I know directly is at least alive, however several Friends churches are on one of the islands badly hit and without communication so it is a difficult time for those in Manila trying to get news of them. Friends in Bohol have limited electricity, the storms just adding to the chaos of the earthquakes and aftershocks. How much more can their nerves take let alone the infrastructure? My heart goes out to them as they do their bit for the relief work there.

Whilst many of these disasters are caused by the elements and seismic activity the human element in the extent of their damage is frightening. I'm not suggesting human activity is responsible for earthquakes but we are responsible for the buildings and infrastructure we create and how well it withstands the impact, or more to the point doesn't and the resulting loss of life and limb. I don't think anything short of an underground bunker would've survived the typhoons and tornadoes though and living in those permanently would be pretty grim, however there is plenty of evidence around to suggest that our activities are exacerbating changes to our climate. Gareth Morgan has some interesting views on this and backs up Green Party co-leader Russell Norman's speech in parliament which our Govt MPs booed, Yeb Sano himself however put them in their place when he tweeted his thanks to Russell Norman for making the point. As far as Gareth Morgan goes I'm sure plenty C/christians will object to being tarred with the same brush and rightly so, I just hope they speak up and make sure that it is clear that not all people of that faith have their heads in the sand. Given the  recent commitment of five Anglican diocese to divest themselves of self of fossile fuel investments there is hope!