The last couple of days have been so different to the last couple of months. On Friday I saw my GP and my medication changed yet again in an attempt to get on top of the headaches. The last few weeks have seen a shift from no energy of the 'I've just had 'flu' for a month' type to the 'I haven't slept for a month' variety, in other words no longer weak and wobbly, just exhausted and tiring further very easily.
The not having slept bit isn't actually that far off, due to prolific hot flushes/night sweats I've had great difficulty getting to sleep, and then once asleep being woken every hour or so until morning. And broken sleep does not a happy Anna make. It's no wonder really that I keep crashing out for an hour or so during the day to try to catch up.
Whilst the underlying issue seems to be gynaecological my main concern for the short term was to get on top of the headaches, then at least I could function properly when I was awake. The feeling of thinking through a fog and feeling as though I was constantly on the verge of a migraine was getting me down. Hence the change of medication, which is simply double the dose of something I already take for my arthritis.
Saturday felt a bit better, I got quite a few emails done and wrote most of a report. Sunday I managed to proof read some Friend Newsletter articles and really make inroads into the backlog of 'must get around to' emails that had been building up in an ever increasing guilt pile, and today I managed to read a substantial chunk of the YM Documents in Advance on top of getting other things done! What a difference, the first time I've been able to sit down and read anything for longer than about 5 mins in two months - I feel as though I've finally started to get my life back.
My head is still sore but more bearable, I can't cope with movement very well still as 10 mins pottering around the garden after hanging out the washing proved, but I can think straight and my eyes don't feel like they are boring into the back of my head when I read anything. My stomach still aches when the painkillers wear off, and is tender at all times. I still look like I'm about 4-5mths pregnant and can't even do up my trousers any more even if I wanted to put up with the discomfort of them being tight, yet my weight has hardly changed. And yes, I do still tire very easily, I got a bit carried away with feeling so much better today that by 3pm I was worn out and back to lying on my bed listening to an audio book. But there is progress, even if I have to sit still to make the most of it.
Due to a communication breakdown I'm back to square one with a referral to a specialist so it's back to the GP again this week. Maybe the blood tests I had done on Friday will show something useful, but with my track record so far this year I'm not holding my breath! There is a bit of a feeling of two steps forward, one step back about it all, but if I can read and write/type for decent lengths of time again then I can cope with the delays. I'm back on known ground and my usual coping strategies can kick in again. I might even feel up to getting the sewing machine back out now I'm not so muddle headed and there's less chance of me sewing through my fingers (yes, I've done that before when overtired, and I really don't want to do it again).
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and hopefully it isn't the oncoming train...
Monday, March 17, 2014
dealing with bureacracy
Having spent last year avoiding the necessity for State benefits through some very careful budgeting, this year wasn't looking so promising. To start with I didn't have the same sized financial cushion I started last year with having spent about half of my redundancy money getting through the year with little regular employment. Then of course I got sick, which when you rely on casual work to top up your regular pitifully small income ($15 a week less than I pay in board and lodging, in case anyone thinks I'm exaggerating) kind of stuffs things up. At least the regular work I do have is in my own home, can be done in my pyjamas, and when need be I can head straight back to bed afterwards.
So my GP decided I needed to be getting some financial help, filled out the medical forms and sent me off with 'you will be making an appointment today, won't you?' So I dutifully rang the helpline, got them to send me the form and made an appointment, knowing full well I'd hear all about it if I didn't. Sometimes being a family friend of your GP can be a mixed blessing!
Well filling in the form was exhausting in itself, and was promptly followed by a two hour sleep. Luckily I have internet access at home, online banking and emailed payslips so could track down all the relevant information without too much difficulty, even double checking against my IRD (tax) online account. It is no wonder people often need help with or stuff up applications. As I filled it in I remembered meeting Elspeth in a cafe in Huddersfield to fill in my form for signing-on over the university summer break, back in the days when you still could - was it a B some-number-or-other form? She and Ben had run an interest group at Yorkshire Friends Holiday School that year on how to fill in benefit forms, such was the height of unemployment at the time (late '80s). My biggest struggle this time however was managing to think straight and do the addition required whilst dosed up on painkillers.
Coping with the actual appointment at WINZ was a much bigger challenge than I expected. I knew I was struggling to think straight, but still somehow I expected to be able to manage. Well I did, sort of, in that I got the benefit approved, backdated and in my bank account by the next morning. But what I was told and quite how things stand didn't really match up and I was too muzzy headed to pick up on this, even though I knew I had read all the stuff (albeit with a stonking headache and dosed up on painkillers...) which told me quite clearly that what they were saying wasn't really the case.
It was a friend on facebook who pointed out the discrepancy and offered to ask around folks she knew if there was an advocate in the area who could help. At which point I realised that I could, well should, have asked if someone from the Kaitaia Peoples' Centre could come and be an advocate for me. However had I been thinking straight enough to do that I would probably have been thinking straight enough to know that I'd read something different on their forms to what they had told me! It reminded me of carrying Rescue Remedy everywhere and seldom thinking to use it myself when I need it, only dispensing it to others I can see are in need, as when I need it myself I'm usually in no fit state to recognise it!
This whole experience, from hospitalisation, to discharge, to dealing with life afterwards has made me realise that there must be many who don't get the help they need because they don't know it is there or how to get it, or for whom it simply falls into the too hard basket to deal with. Our benefits system is geared towards minimising the number of claimants rather than helping people get everything they are entitled to. Yet again the concept of a universal basic income stands out to me as a means of ensuring people don't fall through the net. I'm lucky in that I know I'll still have somewhere to live regardless of what happens, if my board money is late well as long as it is paid eventually that is okay. Many others are not so fortunate and the stress of keeping a roof over ones head and food in the pantry when you are least able to manage it surely hinders recovery. It isn't like you get discharged from hospital with an information pack explaining what you might be entitled to, how to get it and what to do about any follow-up treatment or referrals that may be required, somehow you are expected to figure this out for yourself at a time when you're probably least capable of doing so.
I'm not yet sure what to do with all this going round in my head. I've only just reached the point where thinking coherently for any length of time has been possible. But it is something I don't want to forget about, maybe one day I'll be able to help someone else through the maze and give them the help I obviously needed, even if I couldn't see that at first.
So my GP decided I needed to be getting some financial help, filled out the medical forms and sent me off with 'you will be making an appointment today, won't you?' So I dutifully rang the helpline, got them to send me the form and made an appointment, knowing full well I'd hear all about it if I didn't. Sometimes being a family friend of your GP can be a mixed blessing!
Well filling in the form was exhausting in itself, and was promptly followed by a two hour sleep. Luckily I have internet access at home, online banking and emailed payslips so could track down all the relevant information without too much difficulty, even double checking against my IRD (tax) online account. It is no wonder people often need help with or stuff up applications. As I filled it in I remembered meeting Elspeth in a cafe in Huddersfield to fill in my form for signing-on over the university summer break, back in the days when you still could - was it a B some-number-or-other form? She and Ben had run an interest group at Yorkshire Friends Holiday School that year on how to fill in benefit forms, such was the height of unemployment at the time (late '80s). My biggest struggle this time however was managing to think straight and do the addition required whilst dosed up on painkillers.
Coping with the actual appointment at WINZ was a much bigger challenge than I expected. I knew I was struggling to think straight, but still somehow I expected to be able to manage. Well I did, sort of, in that I got the benefit approved, backdated and in my bank account by the next morning. But what I was told and quite how things stand didn't really match up and I was too muzzy headed to pick up on this, even though I knew I had read all the stuff (albeit with a stonking headache and dosed up on painkillers...) which told me quite clearly that what they were saying wasn't really the case.
It was a friend on facebook who pointed out the discrepancy and offered to ask around folks she knew if there was an advocate in the area who could help. At which point I realised that I could, well should, have asked if someone from the Kaitaia Peoples' Centre could come and be an advocate for me. However had I been thinking straight enough to do that I would probably have been thinking straight enough to know that I'd read something different on their forms to what they had told me! It reminded me of carrying Rescue Remedy everywhere and seldom thinking to use it myself when I need it, only dispensing it to others I can see are in need, as when I need it myself I'm usually in no fit state to recognise it!
This whole experience, from hospitalisation, to discharge, to dealing with life afterwards has made me realise that there must be many who don't get the help they need because they don't know it is there or how to get it, or for whom it simply falls into the too hard basket to deal with. Our benefits system is geared towards minimising the number of claimants rather than helping people get everything they are entitled to. Yet again the concept of a universal basic income stands out to me as a means of ensuring people don't fall through the net. I'm lucky in that I know I'll still have somewhere to live regardless of what happens, if my board money is late well as long as it is paid eventually that is okay. Many others are not so fortunate and the stress of keeping a roof over ones head and food in the pantry when you are least able to manage it surely hinders recovery. It isn't like you get discharged from hospital with an information pack explaining what you might be entitled to, how to get it and what to do about any follow-up treatment or referrals that may be required, somehow you are expected to figure this out for yourself at a time when you're probably least capable of doing so.
I'm not yet sure what to do with all this going round in my head. I've only just reached the point where thinking coherently for any length of time has been possible. But it is something I don't want to forget about, maybe one day I'll be able to help someone else through the maze and give them the help I obviously needed, even if I couldn't see that at first.
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
gratitude
Through facebook I've watched several friends over the last couple of years or so record daily what they are grateful for, either in photos or status updates. Reminders that it is the little things each day that help us get through the toughest of times. Various images have also been circulated with the quote On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%, and that's pretty good.
It is perhaps unsurprising really that each of those who have undertaken this gratitude journalling have been those who have for various reasons had a hefty dose of 'bad days' either currently or in their not so distant past. Being in an incapacitated or vulnerable state certainly makes small acts of kindness feel all the more important, not only in simple practical survival stakes - getting to shops and appointments, collecting prescriptions etc, but the emotional support and stepping up to do the needful when things get a bit much, not to mention sending lovely care packages, messages of loving support and prayers.
I've been feeling very blessed with the support I've been getting, literally from around the world. However what I'm living with just now whilst uncomfortable, unpleasant and decidedly limiting is nothing compared to those with life threatening conditions, and hopefully isn't a long term state of being. I'm gradually being able to read for a little longer in a day and have started to catch up on some f/Friends' blog posts rather than just the bare essentials of emails and facebook (and yes, in my world facebook counts as essential - however only the updates; games, funnies, articles and quizzes are definitely optional extras). One of the blogs is Anders' he's on the lung transplant waiting list and he'd joking commented on my facebook update linking to my previous blog post 'I hope you aren't trying to compete with me!' - I sure hope not too. I'll take having a bloated stomach that looks like I'm 4 or 5 months pregnant (rather than the more usual three...) over having a collapsed lung and being stuffed full of weight gaining steroids and half the pharmacy any day. Whilst I think about if, if you aren't on your country's organ donor register yet, please join. I like my friends to be alive but if the worst happens I'd rather you helped someone else to remain so.
As I fumble my way around the kitchen struggling to do what to me are regular tasks of baking bread and making yoghurt that I can usually do on autopilot amidst three other things at once, I am reminded of the quirky quotes a f/Friend often shares on facebook about the problems faced by someone (like her) with ADHD such as I have been told I have AHDH, but I don't think I - hey look a squirrel! Although it isn't that everything is interesting at once but that my mind wanders off on a tangent and then I find myself standing in front of a cupboard or the fridge, hand on the door looking at it completely blankly because my autopilot got me that far but then spluttered to a stop and the rest of my mind has no idea of where I am up to or what happens next. I've been in this boat so many times before though I long since stopped getting worried about it. It happens pretty much every time I get really sick, overtired, run down, stressed out etc. I just have to remember to avoid multi-tasking and set the kitchen timer more often when cooking - however it does help when I then don't put it straight back in the drawer...but whilst this fuddled brain state is no stranger, it isn't a constant companion for which I am extremely grateful. And for my family's information, no, I haven't yet put the baked beans in the teapot, either literally or metaphorically. Although it has come close...
Well the timer has just gone, I can smell the bread from here, so I'd better go and take it out of the oven before I forget! Then, if I remember, I'll come back and proof-read this before posting rather than after...
It is perhaps unsurprising really that each of those who have undertaken this gratitude journalling have been those who have for various reasons had a hefty dose of 'bad days' either currently or in their not so distant past. Being in an incapacitated or vulnerable state certainly makes small acts of kindness feel all the more important, not only in simple practical survival stakes - getting to shops and appointments, collecting prescriptions etc, but the emotional support and stepping up to do the needful when things get a bit much, not to mention sending lovely care packages, messages of loving support and prayers.
I've been feeling very blessed with the support I've been getting, literally from around the world. However what I'm living with just now whilst uncomfortable, unpleasant and decidedly limiting is nothing compared to those with life threatening conditions, and hopefully isn't a long term state of being. I'm gradually being able to read for a little longer in a day and have started to catch up on some f/Friends' blog posts rather than just the bare essentials of emails and facebook (and yes, in my world facebook counts as essential - however only the updates; games, funnies, articles and quizzes are definitely optional extras). One of the blogs is Anders' he's on the lung transplant waiting list and he'd joking commented on my facebook update linking to my previous blog post 'I hope you aren't trying to compete with me!' - I sure hope not too. I'll take having a bloated stomach that looks like I'm 4 or 5 months pregnant (rather than the more usual three...) over having a collapsed lung and being stuffed full of weight gaining steroids and half the pharmacy any day. Whilst I think about if, if you aren't on your country's organ donor register yet, please join. I like my friends to be alive but if the worst happens I'd rather you helped someone else to remain so.
As I fumble my way around the kitchen struggling to do what to me are regular tasks of baking bread and making yoghurt that I can usually do on autopilot amidst three other things at once, I am reminded of the quirky quotes a f/Friend often shares on facebook about the problems faced by someone (like her) with ADHD such as I have been told I have AHDH, but I don't think I - hey look a squirrel! Although it isn't that everything is interesting at once but that my mind wanders off on a tangent and then I find myself standing in front of a cupboard or the fridge, hand on the door looking at it completely blankly because my autopilot got me that far but then spluttered to a stop and the rest of my mind has no idea of where I am up to or what happens next. I've been in this boat so many times before though I long since stopped getting worried about it. It happens pretty much every time I get really sick, overtired, run down, stressed out etc. I just have to remember to avoid multi-tasking and set the kitchen timer more often when cooking - however it does help when I then don't put it straight back in the drawer...but whilst this fuddled brain state is no stranger, it isn't a constant companion for which I am extremely grateful. And for my family's information, no, I haven't yet put the baked beans in the teapot, either literally or metaphorically. Although it has come close...
Well the timer has just gone, I can smell the bread from here, so I'd better go and take it out of the oven before I forget! Then, if I remember, I'll come back and proof-read this before posting rather than after...
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
redefining pain
This is taking me a while to write. For the last couple of weeks I've had blinding headaches which have left me tolerating less and less screen time, or even reading print on paper which has been a huge challenge for someone whose coping mechanism with being unwell for whatever reason is to curl up with a book.
Over that same timeframe my energy levels have taken a nosedive. Energy hasn't been my strong suit throughout my adult life, even when I'm doing well I generally have lower reserves than many of my peers, although having said that there is rather a scary number of people I know in my age group who have had debilitating energy levels over the last 25yrs. It does make me wonder whether there is some bigger picture underlying factor behind it all. But even by my standards my energy levels had been dropping for some months and then fell through the floor.
Then a week ago Sunday I found myself doubled up on the bed, then the floor in excruciating pain - period pains completely off the scale of reckonning. Topped off with full on projectile vomiting and diarrhoea thrown in for good measure and a head that felt like it was about to explode, I was not a happy bunny. Once it became obvious it really wasn't going to just stop and go away and I might as well be eating smarties as paracetamol the ambulance was called.
Well of course it was Patti who turned up, who 11months ago had been the one to respond when Phyllis fell and fractured her hip - I hope this doesn't mean we'll be taking it in turns year about! Thankfully she had a helper with her this time as there is no way Phyllis could've helped Patti carry me out to the ambulance in the stretcher chair.
The morphine shot they'd given me hadn't done anything so I spent the short journey up the hill to hospital with some kind of inhaler thing in my mouth that was supposed to help, it didn't. In fact it took two more shots of morphine to kill the pain. No wonder the paracetamol hadn't worked!
By now my veins had 'collapsed' which as far as I can work out means they'd gone into hiding - I still have a lovely collection of bruises and puncture marks on my hands and arms from where they had tried and failed to draw blood, the drip was going in the one place they'd had any success and the luer the ambulance had used for morphine had a fitting they couldn't use. So femoral artery it was for the first of what ended up being several blood tests.
At this stage I was two days off 8 straight weeks of periods back to back (I'm now at 9 weeks and decidedly unimpressed about this, although it might, just might, finally be stopping....) so the plan initially was to get me to Whangarei and the gyneacologists. But once they realised that even though it had been 8 weeks near as damnit, the bleeding hadn't been heavy, the blood tests were rather confusingly coming back normal and the cramping pains dropped to more normal levels the plan was revised to keep me in overnight (longer if need be) get my fluids back up, fill me with painkillers, try to stop the bleeding via different meds (the first attempt some weeks back by a GP having spectacularly failed) and do a referral.
More (and yet more, post-discharge from hospital) blood tests came back normal which started to indicate a possible virus as being responsible for the sudden energy drop and need to sleep more than be awake. There is a nasty one doing the rounds at present symptoms complete with loss of energy, projectile vomiting, diarrhoea and stomach cramps, hmmm.... mind you it also includes a persistent cough and sore throat which thankfully (as yet...) I haven't had. So this could explain the ongoing stomach cramps way beyond the couple of days that I consider normal (although with nine weeks of periods 'normal' doesn't really figure).
My blood pressure is usually low, but seems to drop stupidly low very easily at present which has resulted in a couple of really wobbly days since discharge - possibly too many cinnamon and honey drinks, so I've switched to ginger and honey instead just to be on the safe side. Cinnamon can apparently drop your blood pressure, whereas ginger boosts it.
I've ended up compromising on the headaches - I have tablets that help, but upset my stomach if I take two a day, so I'm managing on one in the morning and trying to get done what I can then which works up to a point, as long as I don't fall asleep again and miss their benefit!
I've had extended times of low energy in the past, I'm used to managing that - it's a bummer, but I've learned the hard way not to over do things on the days when I do have more energy as I then end up sleeping through the next day to make up. But what has had the biggest impact on me over the last couple of weeks was the pain. I thought I had a fairly low pain threshold, in fact I still think that, but I would've previously assumed I'd've passed out with pain that was so severe as to need 3 shots of morphine to control. As I was writhing around on the living room floor in pain I had very vivid memories of Heather doing much the same 20 yrs ago on my bedroom floor at Napier Rd, in her case it was gallstones but the effect was much the same. I don't think at the time I'd really appreciated what pain like that could feel like, but I sure do now. It was sort of a comfort though to remember that time and know that it had been overcome with a hefty dose of pethadine, it meant I had faith in doctors' ability to stop it.
The stomach cramps that have continued this week have been 'normal' levels of pain, the sort I've lived with on and off for the last 25yrs or so, but although the occassional one has had me doubled up until it has passed what has dominated my thoughts each time has no longer been 'heck that hurts' but relief that it wasn't as bad as I now know it can be, edged with fear that the next one might be.
I do seem to be making some progress though, yes I have days, like yesterday, where I achieve extremely little and feel no better than when I came home from hospital to sleep it all off in my own bed rather than theirs. But I also have a few hours every so often of functioning better, like just now, of being able to think without it being a struggle, to catch up on emails etc and be able to read the supportive and loving messages on facebook from F/friends and family around the world. Yes my joints ache, yes my head hurts, yes my abdomen feels like I've been kicked by a horse and my back like I've been doing hard labour for weeks but compared to what landed me in hospital, it is nothing I can't cope with.
Luckily life is such that I can take the time I need to get my strength back without pushing myself too hard, I can pace myself and if I need to sleep, well I can do so. I am very aware that what is hopefully a temporary situation for me in terms of energy levels is what is normal every day life on a good day for a couple of my friends, so I'm counting my blessings, taking inspiration from their positive attitudes and having faith that somehow everything will work out, as the quote goes 'Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.'
Over that same timeframe my energy levels have taken a nosedive. Energy hasn't been my strong suit throughout my adult life, even when I'm doing well I generally have lower reserves than many of my peers, although having said that there is rather a scary number of people I know in my age group who have had debilitating energy levels over the last 25yrs. It does make me wonder whether there is some bigger picture underlying factor behind it all. But even by my standards my energy levels had been dropping for some months and then fell through the floor.
Then a week ago Sunday I found myself doubled up on the bed, then the floor in excruciating pain - period pains completely off the scale of reckonning. Topped off with full on projectile vomiting and diarrhoea thrown in for good measure and a head that felt like it was about to explode, I was not a happy bunny. Once it became obvious it really wasn't going to just stop and go away and I might as well be eating smarties as paracetamol the ambulance was called.
Well of course it was Patti who turned up, who 11months ago had been the one to respond when Phyllis fell and fractured her hip - I hope this doesn't mean we'll be taking it in turns year about! Thankfully she had a helper with her this time as there is no way Phyllis could've helped Patti carry me out to the ambulance in the stretcher chair.
The morphine shot they'd given me hadn't done anything so I spent the short journey up the hill to hospital with some kind of inhaler thing in my mouth that was supposed to help, it didn't. In fact it took two more shots of morphine to kill the pain. No wonder the paracetamol hadn't worked!
By now my veins had 'collapsed' which as far as I can work out means they'd gone into hiding - I still have a lovely collection of bruises and puncture marks on my hands and arms from where they had tried and failed to draw blood, the drip was going in the one place they'd had any success and the luer the ambulance had used for morphine had a fitting they couldn't use. So femoral artery it was for the first of what ended up being several blood tests.
At this stage I was two days off 8 straight weeks of periods back to back (I'm now at 9 weeks and decidedly unimpressed about this, although it might, just might, finally be stopping....) so the plan initially was to get me to Whangarei and the gyneacologists. But once they realised that even though it had been 8 weeks near as damnit, the bleeding hadn't been heavy, the blood tests were rather confusingly coming back normal and the cramping pains dropped to more normal levels the plan was revised to keep me in overnight (longer if need be) get my fluids back up, fill me with painkillers, try to stop the bleeding via different meds (the first attempt some weeks back by a GP having spectacularly failed) and do a referral.
More (and yet more, post-discharge from hospital) blood tests came back normal which started to indicate a possible virus as being responsible for the sudden energy drop and need to sleep more than be awake. There is a nasty one doing the rounds at present symptoms complete with loss of energy, projectile vomiting, diarrhoea and stomach cramps, hmmm.... mind you it also includes a persistent cough and sore throat which thankfully (as yet...) I haven't had. So this could explain the ongoing stomach cramps way beyond the couple of days that I consider normal (although with nine weeks of periods 'normal' doesn't really figure).
My blood pressure is usually low, but seems to drop stupidly low very easily at present which has resulted in a couple of really wobbly days since discharge - possibly too many cinnamon and honey drinks, so I've switched to ginger and honey instead just to be on the safe side. Cinnamon can apparently drop your blood pressure, whereas ginger boosts it.
I've ended up compromising on the headaches - I have tablets that help, but upset my stomach if I take two a day, so I'm managing on one in the morning and trying to get done what I can then which works up to a point, as long as I don't fall asleep again and miss their benefit!
I've had extended times of low energy in the past, I'm used to managing that - it's a bummer, but I've learned the hard way not to over do things on the days when I do have more energy as I then end up sleeping through the next day to make up. But what has had the biggest impact on me over the last couple of weeks was the pain. I thought I had a fairly low pain threshold, in fact I still think that, but I would've previously assumed I'd've passed out with pain that was so severe as to need 3 shots of morphine to control. As I was writhing around on the living room floor in pain I had very vivid memories of Heather doing much the same 20 yrs ago on my bedroom floor at Napier Rd, in her case it was gallstones but the effect was much the same. I don't think at the time I'd really appreciated what pain like that could feel like, but I sure do now. It was sort of a comfort though to remember that time and know that it had been overcome with a hefty dose of pethadine, it meant I had faith in doctors' ability to stop it.
The stomach cramps that have continued this week have been 'normal' levels of pain, the sort I've lived with on and off for the last 25yrs or so, but although the occassional one has had me doubled up until it has passed what has dominated my thoughts each time has no longer been 'heck that hurts' but relief that it wasn't as bad as I now know it can be, edged with fear that the next one might be.
I do seem to be making some progress though, yes I have days, like yesterday, where I achieve extremely little and feel no better than when I came home from hospital to sleep it all off in my own bed rather than theirs. But I also have a few hours every so often of functioning better, like just now, of being able to think without it being a struggle, to catch up on emails etc and be able to read the supportive and loving messages on facebook from F/friends and family around the world. Yes my joints ache, yes my head hurts, yes my abdomen feels like I've been kicked by a horse and my back like I've been doing hard labour for weeks but compared to what landed me in hospital, it is nothing I can't cope with.
Luckily life is such that I can take the time I need to get my strength back without pushing myself too hard, I can pace myself and if I need to sleep, well I can do so. I am very aware that what is hopefully a temporary situation for me in terms of energy levels is what is normal every day life on a good day for a couple of my friends, so I'm counting my blessings, taking inspiration from their positive attitudes and having faith that somehow everything will work out, as the quote goes 'Everything will be all right in the end... if it's not all right then it's not yet the end.'
Thursday, January 09, 2014
a decade on...
This week has been full of '10yrs ago I was...' moments and musings as 10 years ago on Monday I arrived in Aotearoa New Zealand for the first time, getting picked up at the airport by Margaret & Robert and taken to their home. I was here for the 2004 FWCC Triennial and some travelling around visiting f/Friends and family - a 'once in a lifetime' trip which changed my life completely.
So what better way to spend Monday then than by staying with Margaret & Robert, waking up in the same (but looking radically different!) house on my way home from Summer Gathering, and later getting dropped off by Margaret and their children (both born since my initial visit) back at the airport - only this time the Domestic terminal to head home to Kaitaia.
At Summer Gathering had been some of the people who had been part of that life changing process, both at the Triennial and during my travels around the country afterwards. As I face another uncertain year it was wonderful to have their presence as a reminder of how the Spirit really can move in mysterious ways and that everything will all fall into place, if only you have the faith to let it.
As if that wasn't enough yesterday I received an email from the mother of one of my dearest Triennial (and WGYF) f/Friends, who I had also met at the Triennial too and again in Kenya in 2012 asking me this "I need a quote for my art show from you, someone from the other side of the world.. fast... "If today were your last day on earth, what would you want to say as wisdom to your loved ones?"..." At first I hesitated, thinking oh I'll come back to this once I've finished my emails and given it some thought... but then I realised that whilst I might be able to tidy up the English with more time, I knew the basic essence of what I wanted to say already, so as Cat used to say (and no doubt still does...) 'think it, do it', and I hit reply with this "Well the immediate thought that sprang into my head was the Oscar Wilde quote ' Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.' The importance of being true to myself has become increasingly important to me over the years, and every time life has become a struggle it has been because I've strayed from that path to be someone other people want/expect me to be - or worse that I think they want/expect me to be without actually stopping to check!". Then just to make sure I really was listening to my own advice I had a conversation with my brother via skype this morning along very similar lines, seems like he's finally figuring that one out too.
Occasionally I'm asked questions like 'where do you envisage yourself to be in 10 years time?' and I look blankly in reply having no idea, after all there is no way in the world I could have predicted where I am now in life as I sat on the island hill top in the Bay of Islands 10 years ago today wondering what my future would hold. Hopefully I'll be happy, with a bit of luck healthy, but most importantly I hope I'll be 'me'.
So what better way to spend Monday then than by staying with Margaret & Robert, waking up in the same (but looking radically different!) house on my way home from Summer Gathering, and later getting dropped off by Margaret and their children (both born since my initial visit) back at the airport - only this time the Domestic terminal to head home to Kaitaia.
At Summer Gathering had been some of the people who had been part of that life changing process, both at the Triennial and during my travels around the country afterwards. As I face another uncertain year it was wonderful to have their presence as a reminder of how the Spirit really can move in mysterious ways and that everything will all fall into place, if only you have the faith to let it.
As if that wasn't enough yesterday I received an email from the mother of one of my dearest Triennial (and WGYF) f/Friends, who I had also met at the Triennial too and again in Kenya in 2012 asking me this "I need a quote for my art show from you, someone from the other side of the world.. fast... "If today were your last day on earth, what would you want to say as wisdom to your loved ones?"..." At first I hesitated, thinking oh I'll come back to this once I've finished my emails and given it some thought... but then I realised that whilst I might be able to tidy up the English with more time, I knew the basic essence of what I wanted to say already, so as Cat used to say (and no doubt still does...) 'think it, do it', and I hit reply with this "Well the immediate thought that sprang into my head was the Oscar Wilde quote ' Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.' The importance of being true to myself has become increasingly important to me over the years, and every time life has become a struggle it has been because I've strayed from that path to be someone other people want/expect me to be - or worse that I think they want/expect me to be without actually stopping to check!". Then just to make sure I really was listening to my own advice I had a conversation with my brother via skype this morning along very similar lines, seems like he's finally figuring that one out too.
Occasionally I'm asked questions like 'where do you envisage yourself to be in 10 years time?' and I look blankly in reply having no idea, after all there is no way in the world I could have predicted where I am now in life as I sat on the island hill top in the Bay of Islands 10 years ago today wondering what my future would hold. Hopefully I'll be happy, with a bit of luck healthy, but most importantly I hope I'll be 'me'.
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